Thank you from the U.S. ! As I am in my late 70’s and have a small psychotherapy practice out of my home, I am not out in the world as much as you are so my friendship circle is smaller, but I have cultivated a few people despite an unnatural tendency toward being a curmudgeon. It has taken real effort to make and KEEP them, but I’ve done it. I’ve also made an effort to be more connected to some of my very many siblings. I have been rewarded. However, the truth is I like my own company the very, very best because I know where all my land mines are. Also, I like to read, listen to lectures and NONSENSE on You Tube and play solitaire.
I have never been as focused on my body as the Eleanor describes which is not to say I am unaware or lack interest or haven’t obsessed on what I was going to wear before I gave a speech. However, I am fascinated with the changes in my body over time. I do all I can that I think is reasonable to keep me going well but I know that gravity is pulling me back into the earth. Dust to dust. I might as well be fascinated about this process as I am about other ones.
Lastly, I want to comment on pets. I have two dogs and they force me to take them for a walk at least six days a week where I meet up with friends. We chat, piss and moan, and build friendships and have some of those conversations you’re talking about.
I love this post Eleanor and the part about appreciating your body for how it has served you totally resonated with me. I had stress related digestive issues - and my gallbladder removed in 2020 and as I watched my body and scars heal I wrote this poem - which I hope resonates for you:
BODY OF EVIDENCE
Look at your body for what it truly is.
Look past the scars, wrinkles, veins and pimples;
Instead see how it has served you well
And dwell; on the tasks you have put it to.
Love it for carrying you through life til now
And see it for everything it has allowed.
See life’s labours, the journeys, the travelled seas;
Recall those moments spent weak at the knees.
The physical highs, the triumphs, and accolades;
The satisfaction it brought both lovers and babes,
I will have to think about that for a little while, Eleanor, and trust I will remember to reply later!
I do breve in serendipitous moments like just reading your article now and feeling amazed you are talking about what you are.
Believe me, it really helps.
We cannot avoid pain in our lives, sometimes deep pain, of all sorts. We cannot dodge it, skirt it, repress it, gloss over it. Unhealthy and unhelpful to say the least.
Yet many of us do not, won't, can't face it or deal with it. And when we do, others don't want to, cannot, won't hear or listen, tell you to move on, not dwell on it, or some such advice. Maybe only human, I am not necessarily blaming or finding fault, just saying that is not healthy, doesn't help, can make it worse, can be cruel, can leave you feeling very isolated.
I now refuse to listen.
Pain can be faced but sometimes we need the support and help of those we love and/or trust. It can be horses for courses, and I wpuld not expect everyone I know to be one of those people. Really. It depends on what is going on with them as well.
The deep joy and gratitude I feel at having some very old, loving and helpful friends as well as newer ones cannot adequately be expressed here or anywhere really.
I do not depend on my three grown-up daughters, I am still the parent who can and does act as a support for them and also my friends sometimes if that is what they want, but again, I cannot express how much my deep love for them and their presence in my life and them just being them has helped me through some really tough times. We all have them, they will as well, it pain Me to think about that, but I trust they will in turn reach out to others and have others reach out to them in times of real need.
Partnerships may not last forever, but friendships can and do.
I think many of us have gone through this kind of experience with a friend and you’re 💯 right, it’s important to talk about it and not try and pretend it’s not happening
So true but it is never really discussed and I know lots of people don’t know what to say or do and then the sick end up alone which makes them feel worse!
Sometimes it is enough to just be, really be, with someone in their pain and/or sickness and/or discomfort. Can speak more loudly than any words. You don't have to "do" anything. Just accept and be with. We cannot control anyone else, or necessarily take their pain away (unless we are a doctor or nurse), maybe help them bear it or help them face it themselves, if that is what they would really like or want. One can also intrude on someone else's pain, albeit unwittingly, when they need privacy and to be with themselves. It can depend.
This is NOT a "Debbie Downer." I am glad for the positive outcome in your health situation. I am also happy that you were able to find a way back into your body by being grateful to it. A big revelation for me back in my fifties was that if I shifted my focus from what my body looked like to how strong I felt, or how many walks my body took me to, or how many ways it supported me wehn I was taking care of or having fun with people I love -- I felt so strong and renewed. Each year, I my body lets me know it is changing but I remain grateful.
Thank you for this. It is a wonderful warm tribute to our long-lasting bodies and friendships. They seem inextricably intertwined at this point in our lives, don't they?
Thank you from the U.S. ! As I am in my late 70’s and have a small psychotherapy practice out of my home, I am not out in the world as much as you are so my friendship circle is smaller, but I have cultivated a few people despite an unnatural tendency toward being a curmudgeon. It has taken real effort to make and KEEP them, but I’ve done it. I’ve also made an effort to be more connected to some of my very many siblings. I have been rewarded. However, the truth is I like my own company the very, very best because I know where all my land mines are. Also, I like to read, listen to lectures and NONSENSE on You Tube and play solitaire.
I have never been as focused on my body as the Eleanor describes which is not to say I am unaware or lack interest or haven’t obsessed on what I was going to wear before I gave a speech. However, I am fascinated with the changes in my body over time. I do all I can that I think is reasonable to keep me going well but I know that gravity is pulling me back into the earth. Dust to dust. I might as well be fascinated about this process as I am about other ones.
Lastly, I want to comment on pets. I have two dogs and they force me to take them for a walk at least six days a week where I meet up with friends. We chat, piss and moan, and build friendships and have some of those conversations you’re talking about.
Thanks for giving me a place to share this.
BEST TO ALL OF YOU!
I love this post Eleanor and the part about appreciating your body for how it has served you totally resonated with me. I had stress related digestive issues - and my gallbladder removed in 2020 and as I watched my body and scars heal I wrote this poem - which I hope resonates for you:
BODY OF EVIDENCE
Look at your body for what it truly is.
Look past the scars, wrinkles, veins and pimples;
Instead see how it has served you well
And dwell; on the tasks you have put it to.
Love it for carrying you through life til now
And see it for everything it has allowed.
See life’s labours, the journeys, the travelled seas;
Recall those moments spent weak at the knees.
The physical highs, the triumphs, and accolades;
The satisfaction it brought both lovers and babes,
Who rested there without a care;
Everyone and everything they could need.
See your body for what is has achieved
and for what you believe,
You. can do. with it next.
© Claire Pestana 2022
Thanks for all your inspiration over the years. 💖
So very true Claire - thank you for sharing
My goodness, Eleanor, this is timely in my case, and must also be perennially and universally.
Thank you.
Any tips?
I will have to think about that for a little while, Eleanor, and trust I will remember to reply later!
I do breve in serendipitous moments like just reading your article now and feeling amazed you are talking about what you are.
Believe me, it really helps.
We cannot avoid pain in our lives, sometimes deep pain, of all sorts. We cannot dodge it, skirt it, repress it, gloss over it. Unhealthy and unhelpful to say the least.
Yet many of us do not, won't, can't face it or deal with it. And when we do, others don't want to, cannot, won't hear or listen, tell you to move on, not dwell on it, or some such advice. Maybe only human, I am not necessarily blaming or finding fault, just saying that is not healthy, doesn't help, can make it worse, can be cruel, can leave you feeling very isolated.
I now refuse to listen.
Pain can be faced but sometimes we need the support and help of those we love and/or trust. It can be horses for courses, and I wpuld not expect everyone I know to be one of those people. Really. It depends on what is going on with them as well.
The deep joy and gratitude I feel at having some very old, loving and helpful friends as well as newer ones cannot adequately be expressed here or anywhere really.
I do not depend on my three grown-up daughters, I am still the parent who can and does act as a support for them and also my friends sometimes if that is what they want, but again, I cannot express how much my deep love for them and their presence in my life and them just being them has helped me through some really tough times. We all have them, they will as well, it pain Me to think about that, but I trust they will in turn reach out to others and have others reach out to them in times of real need.
Partnerships may not last forever, but friendships can and do.
I think many of us have gone through this kind of experience with a friend and you’re 💯 right, it’s important to talk about it and not try and pretend it’s not happening
So true but it is never really discussed and I know lots of people don’t know what to say or do and then the sick end up alone which makes them feel worse!
So good for you for encouraging them to plunge in!
Sometimes it is enough to just be, really be, with someone in their pain and/or sickness and/or discomfort. Can speak more loudly than any words. You don't have to "do" anything. Just accept and be with. We cannot control anyone else, or necessarily take their pain away (unless we are a doctor or nurse), maybe help them bear it or help them face it themselves, if that is what they would really like or want. One can also intrude on someone else's pain, albeit unwittingly, when they need privacy and to be with themselves. It can depend.
Would love to know anything I’ve missed or that you have found good/works?
This is NOT a "Debbie Downer." I am glad for the positive outcome in your health situation. I am also happy that you were able to find a way back into your body by being grateful to it. A big revelation for me back in my fifties was that if I shifted my focus from what my body looked like to how strong I felt, or how many walks my body took me to, or how many ways it supported me wehn I was taking care of or having fun with people I love -- I felt so strong and renewed. Each year, I my body lets me know it is changing but I remain grateful.
Thank you for this. It is a wonderful warm tribute to our long-lasting bodies and friendships. They seem inextricably intertwined at this point in our lives, don't they?