Interesting yes, but not nuanced enough. Agree that divorce should not be undertaken lightly, also agree that it fundamentally changes relationships around you - but not automatically for the worst. These days if you’re not happy and you don’t want to spend another 20/30/40 years or more stuck in a relationship, then you have choices.
My experience is that it has been tough at times, you will feel regret for what you’ve lost, but you owe it to yourself and those around you, including your children, to act if you are unhappy, suffering from coercion, being gaslit regularly, or told you have ‘unrealistic expectations’ of what a marriage should be if you express the need for something more than what he chooses to give you, etc.
I agree 100%. I just wrote a long comment and lost it so I’m just going to double down on yours. I didn’t feel the article was sufficiently balanced. Yes, the advice about financial clarity is good and the divorce path is a rough road, but I haven’t regretted it for one hour of one day. This incredible freedom on the other side is worth it all. And mine was a brutal, protracted 3/year vindictive divorce after 2 years of marriage counseling. I would never say to women to do absolutely everything possible to avoid divorce at all costs! I mean, make a good faith effort but you may have reasons of abuse or infidelity or emotional neglect that are sufficient grounds to walk.
My advice to women is to get a good therapist and focus on YOU. Focus on what you want, who you are, what makes you tolerate poor behaviors, or “people please” to keep the peace. The more you know about yourself the stronger and better able you’ll be to withstand the mud slinging of divorce lawyers. The reality is that divorce is a blunt vehicle for extricating yourself from the legal ties of marriage. Hire a good lawyer, ignore smear campaigns by your ex and his lawyer, focus on nurturing new friendships, especially women. I lost a lot of old friends and “couple friends” but I’m thriving and my focus is forward not back. So don’t view divorce as ruining your life! Yes it can be like a bomb blowing up the finely woven mesh of relationships and connections, but with massage change comes massive growth and freedom. I never imagined I’d get divorced, but it has proven to be a gift — after all the pain. I was lost in my marriage and at 51 years old I’m living a happier, healthier life.
I often say that marriage counseling didn’t save my marriage, but it did save me! Onwards, fearless women. There is a whole lotta living to do at this amazing stage of life and if it takes leaving an unhappy marriage, then go for it. :)
Thank you for those thoughts, and I agree with so much of what you say. I’m 52 and have discovered a whole new life the other side.
It took me 5 years from first telling my ex husband that I wanted a divorce to actually having the courage to go through with it. During that time I read countless articles from one expert or another warning against divorce, and not that many which said ‘if you are really not happy and you feel emotionally neglected and he makes you feel like you are unreasonable for wanting more, then leave him and put some of your focus on your own happiness’.
I eventually realised I couldn’t spend another 30 or more years in that situation, for the supposed sake of other people.
So yes, find a good therapist, I agree, and focus on yourself. That will help you survive the divorce proceedings but also to be a better mother, daughter, friend etc in the long run.
Oh and take control of your own money - another huge bonus if you didn’t have it before!
Totally agree - not saying divorce isn’t a necessary act - in fact I talked about how after the turmoil you can move into a new sunny upland…. Like after many midlife transitions which feel like the end but are actually the prelude to a new chapter
That was such an interesting read. I am 51, embroiled in an extremely difficult acrimonious divorce, no resolution at a private FDR, looking like we’re heading to a final hearing and 3 teenagers.
I am hugely aware of the difficulties ahead of me even though the relief of being out of a very difficult coercive marriage is indescribable. Longing for freedom, living currently in extremely claustrophobic circumstances due to ongoing financial control. I don’t have a clue who I am, how to have fun, even what I might find fun, what I enjoy ..... I am terrified of putting myself out there, have massive trust issues, feel incredibly isolated and don’t have a support network around me. I’m good at putting on a front but it doesn’t take much to wobble me. Even going to see Barbie on Friday was quite triggering ffs!! I know it will be ok but I’m exhausted. It’s a horrible game of brinkmanship at this stage and feels relentless. Would be so interested to hear about other people’s experiences ....
Dear Emily - it sounds really tough - there are lots of women at Noon in the same boat. Come along to one of our retreats/circles:/trips and find a new tribe to cheer you up xxx
I read your post and I am 52. It took me 7 years to get out of a coercively controlling marriage to a career CEO. I have 2 teenagers. I did a private FDR, classic hiding of assets for years, and was left financially bruised by having to court to enforce the consent order for not paying child maintenance. The continued post -separation abuse has been horrific by dragging me into court with a very asymmetric financial capabilities. The court system does not recognise this economic abuse and it's shocking, despite a law that just came into place for economic abuse in April 2023. My daughter has developed an eating disorder, as a result of this mess and it's here that I can only hope that one day she will be fiercely independent and strong. It has been the most difficult challenge of my life and I stay mentally well by exercising, talking, and surviving as best I can with lots of wobbles. Could I have gone with the advice above, I would have died of a cancer or continued to deteriorate. My advice, close as much as you can with the legal system, make sure it's absolutely airtight and if you can't invest in loss. It is so hard.. I get inspired by other women like you that are going through the same thing and voicing.. The system has to change.
I have been divorced for six months after being together for 30 years with four children, I'm 49 years old. It was my decision to divorce and it took over three years due to my ex-husband refusing to provide his financial information, our divorce was due to unreasonable behaviour due to financial mis-management. It has been the most difficult period of my life and I have questioned the decision because of the impact on our children. However, I now own our family home, work full-time for the NHS, I have responsibility for the children aged 10-17 the majority of the time and a new relationship. I like to say I now 'captain my own ship' and have ditched the anchor!! I recommend having a therapist, using your solicitor as a therapist is expensive!! The question that stayed with me, when I was upset during a therapy session about the impact on the children and it being my fault, my choice, my decision to divorce was, 'Has he changed?' Has the children's father changed since you separated, is he making more of an effort, is he stepping up, is he putting them first and the answer was sadly no. This helped me to see that it was the right decision to divorce to solo parent the majority of the time. To focus on me, my career and my children.
This is exactly what Sandra was talking about - the refusal to provide financial information was top of her list. And the impact on children. She wasn't saying women shouldn't do it, but to go in with eyes wide open about what it will involve. I am so glad it has worked out for you Clare, sounds like your Queenager transition is in full swing xxx
I agree with a lot of what has been said by other posters, but I personally found the piece and Sandra's honest advice really valuable. I don't think she's saying avoid divorce at all costs - she's just keen that women understand how radical that step will be. Although she's coming from a particular perspective, I think she has women's best interests at heart and that her advice is sound.
Interesting that Davis first notes that women tend to initiate divorce due to some form of abuse or infidelity, and then proceeds to list all the reasons why a woman should stay married.
This seems to perpetrate damaging stereotypes and narratives which subjugate women to emotional and financial control while allowing men to cavort around regardless. Very old fashion thinking perhaps. It seems unbelievable that any women are “taking to divorce lightly” or “selfishly”. In fact, it is the very concerns listed in the article (social pressures from friends and family, efforts to maintain a nuclear context for the children) that keep women in abusive, disloyal marriages.
There seems to be a warning which looms through Davis’s point: the statistics mean you’ll end up alone and regretful, like it is a silly fantasy that women in their 50s can expect better from life or love. Can we please remember that living alone is a good alternative to abuse? And also that many divorcees had no choice? It seems strange to publish a multi-millionaire discussing the divorces of the elite and privileged on a forum where vulnerable women who are often in the process of divorce already (not always of their own accord) are looking for community and advice. There is no power in this article.
The flimsy final sentence about “feeling light after darkness” does nothing to offset this effect.
Divorce takes guts. It is not for the faint of heart. But women escaping toxicity and infidelity in their marriages are valid. Women who are escaping financial control and emotional abuse in their marriages are valid. Women who leave in search of love, independence, safety, fairness, valid. Valid and brave.
Interesting yes, but not nuanced enough. Agree that divorce should not be undertaken lightly, also agree that it fundamentally changes relationships around you - but not automatically for the worst. These days if you’re not happy and you don’t want to spend another 20/30/40 years or more stuck in a relationship, then you have choices.
My experience is that it has been tough at times, you will feel regret for what you’ve lost, but you owe it to yourself and those around you, including your children, to act if you are unhappy, suffering from coercion, being gaslit regularly, or told you have ‘unrealistic expectations’ of what a marriage should be if you express the need for something more than what he chooses to give you, etc.
I agree 100%. I just wrote a long comment and lost it so I’m just going to double down on yours. I didn’t feel the article was sufficiently balanced. Yes, the advice about financial clarity is good and the divorce path is a rough road, but I haven’t regretted it for one hour of one day. This incredible freedom on the other side is worth it all. And mine was a brutal, protracted 3/year vindictive divorce after 2 years of marriage counseling. I would never say to women to do absolutely everything possible to avoid divorce at all costs! I mean, make a good faith effort but you may have reasons of abuse or infidelity or emotional neglect that are sufficient grounds to walk.
My advice to women is to get a good therapist and focus on YOU. Focus on what you want, who you are, what makes you tolerate poor behaviors, or “people please” to keep the peace. The more you know about yourself the stronger and better able you’ll be to withstand the mud slinging of divorce lawyers. The reality is that divorce is a blunt vehicle for extricating yourself from the legal ties of marriage. Hire a good lawyer, ignore smear campaigns by your ex and his lawyer, focus on nurturing new friendships, especially women. I lost a lot of old friends and “couple friends” but I’m thriving and my focus is forward not back. So don’t view divorce as ruining your life! Yes it can be like a bomb blowing up the finely woven mesh of relationships and connections, but with massage change comes massive growth and freedom. I never imagined I’d get divorced, but it has proven to be a gift — after all the pain. I was lost in my marriage and at 51 years old I’m living a happier, healthier life.
I often say that marriage counseling didn’t save my marriage, but it did save me! Onwards, fearless women. There is a whole lotta living to do at this amazing stage of life and if it takes leaving an unhappy marriage, then go for it. :)
Thank you for those thoughts, and I agree with so much of what you say. I’m 52 and have discovered a whole new life the other side.
It took me 5 years from first telling my ex husband that I wanted a divorce to actually having the courage to go through with it. During that time I read countless articles from one expert or another warning against divorce, and not that many which said ‘if you are really not happy and you feel emotionally neglected and he makes you feel like you are unreasonable for wanting more, then leave him and put some of your focus on your own happiness’.
I eventually realised I couldn’t spend another 30 or more years in that situation, for the supposed sake of other people.
So yes, find a good therapist, I agree, and focus on yourself. That will help you survive the divorce proceedings but also to be a better mother, daughter, friend etc in the long run.
Oh and take control of your own money - another huge bonus if you didn’t have it before!
Totally agree - not saying divorce isn’t a necessary act - in fact I talked about how after the turmoil you can move into a new sunny upland…. Like after many midlife transitions which feel like the end but are actually the prelude to a new chapter
That was such an interesting read. I am 51, embroiled in an extremely difficult acrimonious divorce, no resolution at a private FDR, looking like we’re heading to a final hearing and 3 teenagers.
I am hugely aware of the difficulties ahead of me even though the relief of being out of a very difficult coercive marriage is indescribable. Longing for freedom, living currently in extremely claustrophobic circumstances due to ongoing financial control. I don’t have a clue who I am, how to have fun, even what I might find fun, what I enjoy ..... I am terrified of putting myself out there, have massive trust issues, feel incredibly isolated and don’t have a support network around me. I’m good at putting on a front but it doesn’t take much to wobble me. Even going to see Barbie on Friday was quite triggering ffs!! I know it will be ok but I’m exhausted. It’s a horrible game of brinkmanship at this stage and feels relentless. Would be so interested to hear about other people’s experiences ....
Dear Emily - it sounds really tough - there are lots of women at Noon in the same boat. Come along to one of our retreats/circles:/trips and find a new tribe to cheer you up xxx
I read your post and I am 52. It took me 7 years to get out of a coercively controlling marriage to a career CEO. I have 2 teenagers. I did a private FDR, classic hiding of assets for years, and was left financially bruised by having to court to enforce the consent order for not paying child maintenance. The continued post -separation abuse has been horrific by dragging me into court with a very asymmetric financial capabilities. The court system does not recognise this economic abuse and it's shocking, despite a law that just came into place for economic abuse in April 2023. My daughter has developed an eating disorder, as a result of this mess and it's here that I can only hope that one day she will be fiercely independent and strong. It has been the most difficult challenge of my life and I stay mentally well by exercising, talking, and surviving as best I can with lots of wobbles. Could I have gone with the advice above, I would have died of a cancer or continued to deteriorate. My advice, close as much as you can with the legal system, make sure it's absolutely airtight and if you can't invest in loss. It is so hard.. I get inspired by other women like you that are going through the same thing and voicing.. The system has to change.
I have been divorced for six months after being together for 30 years with four children, I'm 49 years old. It was my decision to divorce and it took over three years due to my ex-husband refusing to provide his financial information, our divorce was due to unreasonable behaviour due to financial mis-management. It has been the most difficult period of my life and I have questioned the decision because of the impact on our children. However, I now own our family home, work full-time for the NHS, I have responsibility for the children aged 10-17 the majority of the time and a new relationship. I like to say I now 'captain my own ship' and have ditched the anchor!! I recommend having a therapist, using your solicitor as a therapist is expensive!! The question that stayed with me, when I was upset during a therapy session about the impact on the children and it being my fault, my choice, my decision to divorce was, 'Has he changed?' Has the children's father changed since you separated, is he making more of an effort, is he stepping up, is he putting them first and the answer was sadly no. This helped me to see that it was the right decision to divorce to solo parent the majority of the time. To focus on me, my career and my children.
This is exactly what Sandra was talking about - the refusal to provide financial information was top of her list. And the impact on children. She wasn't saying women shouldn't do it, but to go in with eyes wide open about what it will involve. I am so glad it has worked out for you Clare, sounds like your Queenager transition is in full swing xxx
I agree with a lot of what has been said by other posters, but I personally found the piece and Sandra's honest advice really valuable. I don't think she's saying avoid divorce at all costs - she's just keen that women understand how radical that step will be. Although she's coming from a particular perspective, I think she has women's best interests at heart and that her advice is sound.
I agree - I also think that 40 years of advising women going through divorce means she knows what she is talking about!
Interesting that Davis first notes that women tend to initiate divorce due to some form of abuse or infidelity, and then proceeds to list all the reasons why a woman should stay married.
This seems to perpetrate damaging stereotypes and narratives which subjugate women to emotional and financial control while allowing men to cavort around regardless. Very old fashion thinking perhaps. It seems unbelievable that any women are “taking to divorce lightly” or “selfishly”. In fact, it is the very concerns listed in the article (social pressures from friends and family, efforts to maintain a nuclear context for the children) that keep women in abusive, disloyal marriages.
There seems to be a warning which looms through Davis’s point: the statistics mean you’ll end up alone and regretful, like it is a silly fantasy that women in their 50s can expect better from life or love. Can we please remember that living alone is a good alternative to abuse? And also that many divorcees had no choice? It seems strange to publish a multi-millionaire discussing the divorces of the elite and privileged on a forum where vulnerable women who are often in the process of divorce already (not always of their own accord) are looking for community and advice. There is no power in this article.
The flimsy final sentence about “feeling light after darkness” does nothing to offset this effect.
Divorce takes guts. It is not for the faint of heart. But women escaping toxicity and infidelity in their marriages are valid. Women who are escaping financial control and emotional abuse in their marriages are valid. Women who leave in search of love, independence, safety, fairness, valid. Valid and brave.
I keep unsubscribing from this email newsletter and yet it’s constantly in my inbox. Please stop sending me emails!
Hey Edith - what is your email and I will remove you from the list - I just looked and I have four Edith’s -
Not sure which is you. Sorry you don’t like it!